Journey of a bindi.

"Why have you started putting on a bindi these days? Are you seeing someone? Tell me, I am your Mother. I know when you start dressing differently that something is up with you". One day out of nowhere my Mother bombarded me with these questions over a phone call. I had to tell her that it had nothing to do with seeing someone but rather with a choice I made for me because somebody made me feel good about it. I wanted to explain how important it was for me as an individual with self-doubt who constantly thought about whether I am good-looking enough and that the question of putting on a bindi had lingered for many years. 

After coming to Pune, I discovered through a circle of people how guys found girls who put on bindi as attractive. Of course, even I wanted to be a part of that attractive group and even I wanted to put on a bindi but as per me, I thought of it in two ways. Firstly, It wouldn't look that great on me and I would be less attractive than before and secondly, I would be a part of a wannabe bindi-wearing group. Looking back, I sure feel I was being insensitive and insensible. Also, I never really received a compliment and when I did have the courage to put on one, it went unnoticed by even the person I was dating. I knew of the females around me who put on a bindi and they all looked beautiful and slowly with time I realized that I was hanging out with the wrong group of people, especially when I was two-timed for a bindi-wearing girl. It was difficult to look past this when all I was hearing was "I have always wanted a tikli lawnari mulgi. Tikli lawnarya muli sundar astat" (want a girl who wears a bindi because they are beautiful). Suddenly, it was all about me and my decision regarding not putting on a bindi. Neither did I want a bindi nor did I want to be a tikli lawnari mulgi anymore.

Fast forward to more than 2 years of the incident. I was attending my friend's wedding and one day I just thought I should give bindi a try. This time I was pretty much confident about myself but It was still quite a rollercoaster of doubts when I asked my friend if she was carrying bindis. I was so conscious when she put it on my forehead. Without looking into the mirror, I knew I was looking different but now that the decision was made, there was no turning back. I confirmed and re-confirmed from my friends in the room - a guy and a girl - if putting a bindi made sense and they assured and reassured me that it did. It wasn't the time to explain to them why I was repeating my question or why was I being so conscious but they seemed like sensible people who could be trusted. 

A couple of days post the wedding when I was back home and regularly putting on a bindi, I seemed to have attracted a lot of attention. This, I suppose was happening because the people around me were not accustomed to seeing me that way, and in spite of different people giving me different opinions, it doesn't bother me anymore and I continue putting it on. For me putting on a bindi brings in different emotions, it brings a sense of empowerment and it makes me feel beautiful. The bindi on my forehead is a decision I took when I decided to move away from a past and have a new beginning that focused on me and the goodness around me. It was no longer about was I attractive enough but about how confident I felt. I no longer envy or am insecure about the tikli lawnari mulgi. I believe everyone is beautiful in their own way and all it needs is a little push and assurance to let go of those doubts and bring back the jazz.