Longings and Belongings.

Don't hold on. Don't hold on to grudges, don't hold on to sadness, don't hold on to fear, and most importantly, don't hold on to love. This photograph is of my house where I spent a good two years. My most major life lessons happened here, right from cooking to friendships to marriage and love. Important things which I had to let go of because circumstances were such. As much as I had to let go of everything else, letting go of this house was a major decision. It was my comfort zone, beyond its walls whatever may happen but within it, every reaction and every decision had its own freedom. Until I was here, I had always believed that whatever I felt, it was mine and I could always come back here and confront myself about it but after I left and moved into a new city and new home, however nicely I decorated it in my way, there is always a feeling of something being amiss. 

Where does one belong to if they don't have a place to go back to? More importantly, where does one go when they neither have a place or a person to go back to? I did not have anyone to go back to when I stayed in that house, but there was always somebody I could go back with. Eventually, things changed and I still hold myself responsible for everything that happened, not being able to move on however much I say I have. Something that I feel is going to stay deeply engraved. Probably another reason why I had to leave this home and find comfort somewhere else. I could not even hold on to a place I called mine because the memories - both good and bad were haunting me. There were too many emotions I was struggling with and I still cannot put a finger on one. I don't want to hold on to anything sometimes except my books, diaries, and paints but I know I definitely need a lot more than that presently that will hold me together. I was supposed to meet a lot of people I had promised to meet before I leave but I made no efforts to meet them. As I left this home, and the city I let go of a lot of memories, grudges, dislike, or love for the people who might have hurt me, offended me, been mean to me, and even been good to me. However, after letting go of all of this, I have come to realize that now I have nothing new to take or to offer and the feeling of being empty is evident. At times it does make me sad and I cry to sleep because I hate this feeling but I make sure I wake up the next day and keep myself busy so that I don't give it a thought. 

A friend once told me that I should write about everything that I feel, everything that was going on in my head but when I tried putting that list together, I kept staring at my wall. A lot of things continue to stay suppressed within me and it is not like I don't want to let them go but I know that other than at least mentioning them here I have no other way. I definitely don't like to talk about it in person anymore because it feels like a never-ending loop. There is a paper on my table for the last many months that I received in a food packet. It says "Everything will be okay".  I look at it every day, I crave love, for a compliment, for somebody to speak to but when it does come my way, I don't respond. I keep telling people that everything will be okay and that they need not worry and have patience but when it comes to my own self, I am a blank slate. 

Last birthday, I had come home drunk. I told my mom that people said they were lucky to have me in their life. I slept off with this one happy thought that afternoon. Two days before this I was telling my mom that I wanted to die. Life has a way of surprising you doesn't it? Currently, I may be feeling empty but this thought keeps me going. I am not depressed anymore but I do get thoughts. I long for a lot of things, I question myself on where I belong but I don't have answers. I still have a lot to let go of but also a few important things that I must hold on to, including my will power and patience. One thing that has come out of all this is I have started loving myself and accepting myself as a person who is beautiful within and outside. I have started giving myself more time, focusing on what I want to do, and probably this is the way I shall continue moving ahead until the empty feeling fades away :)